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The Wolves

I've been putting off writing this for a while now. This is going to be the most personal blog I have made public so far. My hope is that the purpose of writing this is clear. As many already know, I lost my mother unexpectedly in April of 2016. Several months after my mother died I went through a divorce(I'd be happy to answer any further questions about this privately). This blog (along with my other blogs) is not a means to gain sympathy. First and foremost, I write to release and better understand my own emotions. I want a clearer view of what is going on in my own life. Writing helps me cope with the battles I fight every day. Second, I write to identify with anyone who may be going through similar circumstances. I wish I could go back to warn and mentor myself before and during the darkest days of my life(so far). If I could be of any small help to someone who can relate in the smallest way, I would be honored. I want to be as real as possible as I bring to light the bat
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Stay Alive

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It's been a year since Mom went home. Life's been tough. Life is weird. I feel like I'm trying to get my head screwed back on after nearly a year of confusion, self infliction, and hurt. At this point I'm not even sure if I'm angry at anyone except myself. I'd like to be excited about starting over in my hometown, but it's been difficult to find enthusiasm in this storm that is still raging inside of me. I'd like to say I've applied what I've learned in the last year to better myself, but I think I'd be exaggerating. They say not all who wander are lost, but it sure feels like I am. I'm convinced that it is not tragedy that makes or break us, but instead the decisions we make in the midst of tragedy that do . I remember wandering aimlessly in the days following my mother's death, feeling like a small helpless child. I wasn't angry or bitter. I was confused. I had never seen the world like I did then. It felt like stepping out of
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Life is short. Spend it well.

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There you were. Exploring Revelation, dreaming about angels and dragons and unthinkable, multi-headed beasts with me. I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. I still remember where we sat. The round table separating the kitchen, living room and staircase at the acreage I grew up on. Maybe I had my homework done for the day. Maybe not. It didn't affect the way we pondered the mysteries that were yet to come. You knew that neither of us could understand what most of that book really means, but you enjoyed dreaming about it with me anyway. You didn't teach me to dream of having a lot of money, winning a bunch of trophies, or having a perfect record. You inspired me to dream of crazier things. Because of you I know that this world is not my home. You knew that we were only meant to be here for a short time. It has been exactly 6 months since your time came. Tuesday, April 5th, 2016. It was a beautiful sunny day out in Omaha as I headed in to work that morning. I accidentally took Inters
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Follow Me

I have felt melancholy again today. Life feels like it's going faster than ever, while I feel too slow to keep up. I heard a commercial on the radio the other day and immediately thought, " Mom says stuff like that all the time ." For a split second my mom was still alive. The thought wasn't " Mom used to say stuff like that ." I had to tell myself over again like I've done countless times that Mom isn't here anymore. I still have moments where I think " I can't wait to tell Mom this story " or " I need to get advice from Mom about this " BEFORE realizing she isn't here. It is so interesting to feel my brain re-realize the truth time and time again. Everything is still confusing. It isn't new that I've been thinking about my mom, but today I also thought about something that happened to me a few years ago during a missions trip to East Africa. Before I start telling you about what happened in Tanzania, let me tel
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Redemption

I have to admit that I've been faking as much as possible the last few weeks. I've almost convinced myself that I'm ok at times. I've tried to convince myself that it's not that bad. That this is just what happens in life. Tonight I just tried to fall asleep as fast as possible again, but it didn't work. Her face was all I could see. It was so real tonight. It was like she was looking at me. I then started having a panic attack at the thought of forgeting what she looks like. I know we have pictures, but there's no substitute for the way she looked when she was looking directly at me. Nothing comes close to representing how it was to be with her. I know there's grace, but I can't help but wish I could have been a better son to her. I just wish I would have taken her out to dinner more. Why did I think that my schedule and entertainment took precedence over her? I wish I would have surprised her more. I mean what was I thinking? I was so focused on
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Grace

So this is my first blog post.  I guess I'll just dive in. The past month and a half has brought me more emotions than I have ever felt before. My mother unexpectedly passed away with seemingly no explanation. We still have no answers. All we know is that it was a natural death. After the initial investigation, autopsy, and toxicology tests the professionals are at a loss for what could have possibly happened. Every day has been different for me, and I never thought I would feel some of the things I feel. I am the type of person who doesn't like to borrow or take freely from people even when they offer something. I would much rather be the one who is owed. Whether it's lunch, a ride, or just something small; I want to out-give those close to me. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back. I'd like to say that it is simply because I care about those around me so much. I wish I was able to just accept a free gift easier. Maybe it&#
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