Grace

So this is my first blog post. 

I guess I'll just dive in.

The past month and a half has brought me more emotions than I have ever felt before. My mother unexpectedly passed away with seemingly no explanation. We still have no answers. All we know is that it was a natural death. After the initial investigation, autopsy, and toxicology tests the professionals are at a loss for what could have possibly happened. Every day has been different for me, and I never thought I would feel some of the things I feel.

I am the type of person who doesn't like to borrow or take freely from people even when they offer something. I would much rather be the one who is owed. Whether it's lunch, a ride, or just something small; I want to out-give those close to me. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back. I'd like to say that it is simply because I care about those around me so much. I wish I was able to just accept a free gift easier. Maybe it's pride or a false sense of security that makes me immediately think of how to repay and outdo someone when I'm given something. The ironic part is that it’s often selfishness that causes me to "pay someone back" for a free gift. An attempt to affirm to myself my own self worth. What if I’m unable to give back? What am I worth then? That’s a question I’m asking myself.

Who am I to think I have anything to give in the first place? So much has been torn out of me and yet, a lot of things have been revealed about me. Right now, it doesn't feel like I have anything to offer to those around me.  It's not fair to my Dad that I can't be with him everyday to emotionally support and listen to him. To help him attempt to put this puzzle back together when we have lost so many pieces. It's not fair to Joelle that she doesn't have a wise older brother encouraging and validating her feelings every single day. It's not fair to Dani that I can't be with her every second reminding her of everything Mom loved about her. It's not fair to my boss who takes on more work and hours while encouraging and supporting me. I don’t have anything to offer to repay the kindness shown to me.

The grace that has been given to me is overwhelming. In the midst of confusion God has shown up. Not to tell me to "stay strong" or to "keep fighting” but to comfort me. He has only become more powerful to me while I have become smaller. After my first day back to work since my mom died I went home and read a bunch in Revelation. I thought that it would bring me some sort of peace or excitement for where Mom is right now. It didn't. Reading it made me more confused and lonely. What is to come in Heaven is so far above my head. I couldn't squeeze any comfort out of it so I asked God to comfort me like I was a 3rd grader instead of John Piper. The next morning on the way to my second day of work I drove through Scooters to get a coffee after a mostly sleepless night and with tears still stuck under my eyes. The person in front of me bought my coffee before I had even driven up. I immediately parked and the tears came again. To me that was God saying, "I'm here" in a way a 3rd grader could understand. Just the idea that the God of all the mysteries of Revelation would lower himself to my level just to comfort me is completely absurd. Once again it is something I can never repay. WAIT. I can never repay anything that God has done for me. It's like right now I have no other choice than to give this weight of guilt and responsibility up to God. I'm not even really sure how to do that.

I'd like to say that I'm making progress and the days are getting easier, but they aren't. A lot of days I feel like Hank Schrader from Breaking Bad after his intense run in with Tuco (no spoiler). He acts like he is confident and happy around everyone, but the moment he enters the elevator alone he panics as the distractions disappear and the trauma becomes intensely real for him. When the elevator opens back up he takes a deep breath and walks out with a smile. I struggle to sleep at night when all the distractions are stripped away and I’m left with my own thoughts. I've come to realize that many of the feelings I have are meant for me and can't be conveyed to others the way I feel them. 

I may go deeper about the individual feelings i've felt in other posts.

Ok goodnight.