Life is short. Spend it well.
Tuesday, April 5th, 2016. It was a beautiful sunny day out in Omaha as I headed in to work that morning. I accidentally took Interstate 680 North instead of South, so I was a few minutes late to work. Everyone seemed to be in a great mood that morning, and it felt just about as good as a Tuesday work day can feel. I remember being about halfway through a renewal lease signing with a resident when I noticed that my sister, Joelle had called my cell phone. I finished up with the resident and called her back. Joelle asked if I had spoken to Mom yet that day. I hadn't, and neither had she or the rest of the family. Joelle was about to head to Lincoln to spend the afternoon with her. Nothing alarming. We knew that, as a real estate agent, Mom had an extremely busy week planned. Joelle had noticed that Mom hadn't posted anything on Facebook that day or the day before. She usually posts and shares quite a bit. I told Joelle that she had probably left her phone at the supermarket, as she had done before, but when I got off the phone with her I suddenly felt a sickening feeling that something really could be wrong. I called Mom, but she didn't answer. It was about 3:15 pm, and I hadn't taken my lunch yet, so I got in my car and drove around the corner to the Baker's supermarket. I sat in my car trying to hack into Mom's "Find Your Friends" account to see if I could locate her or her phone. Dad was on a business trip, so he told me he was sending a family friend over to the house to see if everything was ok. Joelle was on her way to Lincoln from Fremont, and we had both called the office that Mom worked in. No one had seen or heard from her. There were even a few of her clients that had come to her office because she hadn't shown up to a planned meeting. Something was wrong.
The next call I received was from Dad. He was frantic and could barely speak clearly. I knew right away that something horrible had happened. He told me that I needed to get to Lincoln and that everything was NOT ok. He was rushing out of a meeting he was in, so he only had a few seconds to try to get a few words out. He didn't have time to tell me anything more. I was already speeding towards the interstate before he hung up.
When the call ended, I started driving faster. I called Joelle again and told her that something was wrong. I told her to meet me at a gas station or coffee shop when I got to town so that we could figure it out together. Neither of us had any clue what was going on. We both wondered if Mom went to the hospital for some reason, so Joelle decided to try to find out which one. I had to know what was going on so I called the family friend that had gone to check if my Mom was at home. This call would send me on a new journey that I am still on today. He answered and I asked "What in the world is going on?" I remember our exact words.
"It's not good news"
"Tell it to me straight right now"
"It was too late. She's gone."
Everything in me wanted to scream, "WHAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! HOW?! WHAT HAPPENED?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!" Nothing made sense. When I hung up the phone I stared at the car in front of me as my mind spun uncontrollably. It was a beautiful, sunny day out. Everything around me seemed to be as it should be. Everything inside me felt the opposite. Before I could even replay the conversation I had just had, I was gripped with a spirit of purpose. Somehow God gave me the clarity of mind to focus on my next step. I remember thinking, I only get one chance to do this right. I had to get to my sisters. They were all I could think of. Not even a fraction of the pain that was coming had set in yet. It was like something was blocking this waterfall that I knew was about to crash down on me. The tears started pouring, but in that first hour I was guarded from the magnitude of what had just happened. The end of the sword had just made contact with the shield over my chest. Oh, it was definitely going to go through, but not yet.
After a couple minutes of deep breaths I called Dani, my youngest sister. I kept it together for the most part and told her that she needed to come to Lincoln. I wanted someone to drive her, but she was going to drive herself. I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I knew on the phone for fear of her being disoriented while she drove an hour to Lincoln, so I think I told her that I wasn't sure what happened but that something was wrong. I'm not sure how I got away with that, but she headed for Lincoln.
By this time, I was still about 20 minutes away from St Elizabeth Hospital where Joelle had gone to check if Mom had been admitted. I needed to get there to hold her tight before ripping her heart out with the news. I realized that I couldn't make it before she would be scouring the floors of the hospital. I had to call her. I can say without a doubt that telling Joelle on the phone that she would never see her mother again was the hardest phone call I have ever made. It was harder than hearing for myself a few minutes earlier. I felt every emotion in me drain out within seconds. She was all alone in a hospital parking lot. I had no answers for her. Out of anyone in the whole world my beautiful sisters don't deserve this. I called her and somehow, stuttering, told her that Mom was gone. From there all I could do was focus on driving while we sobbed on the phone together.
When I found Joelle in the hospital parking lot, she got out of her car and we were finally able to embrace and wait for Dani. A few minutes later, Dani arrived unaware of what was going on. As I was letting out a sigh of relief that she had made it to us, I was bracing myself for what I had to tell her. I felt so emotionally exhausted from telling Joelle, but it was time to break my sweet youngest sister's heart. She walked over to Joelle and I, confused. As I leaned into her I told her that Mom was gone. I didn't know how to say it. Do I say "Mom is gone?, Mom died?, Mom passed away?" Like we would say repeatedly during the next few weeks, "There is no script for this." Dani pushed me away at first when I was unable to offer any answers for her. When she realized that it had to be true, we embraced. Again I felt more emotionally drained than ever. I couldn't help but say how sorry I was. Joelle, Dani, and I sat together and cried in that parking lot for a few minutes. I grew up with these girls. They have always been there for me. We are a team. They are so precious to me. All of my pain in those moments was for them. We were so confused, but we were together. I'm so grateful for that moment.
As my sisters and I arrived home we were met by police officers investigating our house. Mom was still inside. We sat in our backyard as officers went in and out of the house. A couple of family friends came over to join us. I received a call from a family member advising me to call my mother's parents. My dad was on a plane trying to get home as soon as he could, or else he would have let them know. Since we had gotten out of the car about an hour earlier, I had told a couple of family friends over the phone and felt completely emotionally spent. I had to call them though. There aren't words to describe how it felt to tell my grandparents that their daughter had died. It felt horrible. Even though I wasn't the cause of the pain that was inflicting the people I told, it just hurts to knowingly break hearts.
Our pastor arrived shortly after I had told my grandparents. I was trying to keep myself together, but I couldn't much longer. He huddled up with my sisters, a few friends and I to pray. As soon as he started speaking I felt that blade dig a little deeper into my chest. I couldn't hold myself back and began sobbing. I had never cried like I did in that moment. I sounded like an animal. I had never felt a yearning so deep. It was like my body knew better than my brain what I had just lost. I needed to let it out. The rest of that night was painful and confusing. I waited so anxiously for my dad to get home. I needed him, and it was hard to focus on anything else. He rushed home with a friend when his plane finally landed in Omaha. It was after midnight when the truck pulled in the driveway I was waiting at the end of. As he got out, I hugged him. He was drained. He had just been through a heart wrenching journey of his own. He just wanted to be with Joelle, Dani and I. My sisters met us outside on the patio as we walked up to the house and we all embraced at the same time. If there was any sense of relief that night it was in being together with them.
In the following days I struggled with regret and feeling like I had failed my mother. I kept asking God to just push this blade all the way through my chest already. It seemed to just slowly pierce my heart over time. When the autopsy results came back negative in every single category I thought I would feel upset and devastated that I would never have an answer to how my mom died. I actually felt at ease somehow. The cause of death was "natural, undetermined." I'm ok with that. Even if I knew the "how" my mom would still be gone.
What I have realized is that the most important thing is where I know my mom is right now. She fought the good fight. She poured her heart out to her Savior day in and day out. She was honest. She didn't buy in to the BS that this world throws at us. She rests in the presence of the ONE she loves. A few weeks after she passed I found this text message from Mom. It was sent just a couple weeks before she died. We had been chatting about the possibility of me going to Sicily for a refugee focused mission trip.
This is who Lisa Andersen is. She has eyes for what really matters. I am so grateful for her. I look at these words all the time. Her words still bless me every day. I love you so much Mom!
"Life is short. Spend it well."
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