Stay Alive
It's been a year since Mom went home. Life's been tough. Life is weird. I feel like I'm trying to get my head screwed back on after nearly a year of confusion, self infliction, and hurt. At this point I'm not even sure if I'm angry at anyone except myself. I'd like to be excited about starting over in my hometown, but it's been difficult to find enthusiasm in this storm that is still raging inside of me. I'd like to say I've applied what I've learned in the last year to better myself, but I think I'd be exaggerating. They say not all who wander are lost, but it sure feels like I am.
I'm convinced that it is not tragedy that makes or break us, but instead the decisions we make in the midst of tragedy that do. I remember wandering aimlessly in the days following my mother's death, feeling like a small helpless child. I wasn't angry or bitter. I was confused. I had never seen the world like I did then. It felt like stepping out of a plane in a different country. I felt new and naive to my surroundings. As I literally wandered around like a lost boy one day I felt like a clear message was delivered to my mind and heart. Bitterness must turn back into pain to be healed. It didn't make sense as to why that felt so important. I wasn't bitter. In fact in that time I felt more empathetic and caring to people around me than I did before Mom died. I literally felt like I was the opposite of bitter. How could this message be helpful to me?
Over the next few months I continued to learn more about the grieving process while stumbling around trying to "grieve correctly." It wasn't long before circumstances began to dictate my decisions. I began to withdraw from the people that were trying to help me. I started choosing to be distracted rather than acknowledge the real issues forming in my life. Before I knew it, I had isolated myself. I had given a foothold to the lies I had tried so hard to disprove. I felt like I had no purpose, and that my life wasn't worth anything. For months I let the circumstances in my life make decisions for me. I felt like I had no say in which direction my life went. Eventually I became numb to the pain. I became less sympathetic to people. Walls went up around my heart like never before. I began to miss the sadness. I no longer cried for my mom. Thinking about her felt like reading a book; like I was reading someone else's story. I longed to cry for my mom. I wanted so bad to relate to other people's pain. I couldn't feel. I was bitter; miles away from that confused, wandering boy. How did I let myself get here? It all started with believing the most destructive lie of all: I can do this on my own.
I recently had a conversation with a close friend that brought me a fair amount of clarity in where I am at right now. I've been searching for someone or something to save me from the darkness that I've allowed in my life. I realized in conversation that I am at a crossroads where I've never been. I never knew this was even possible. I am currently in-between who I was and who I will be. Right now I am no one. It's like I don't exist, but I have the potential to exist. I'm a ghost with a second chance. It's not possible to go back to the person I used to be. The only possibility is to become the person I am going to be. Inevitably what I'm looking for is me. The new me. The healed me. The me with a purpose. The real me. I'm beginning to realize that while I grieve the loss of the loved ones that were closest to me, I'm also grieving the loss of who I was. I'm grieving the me that I used to be. The me that I will never see again. I'm not on a journey to get back to who I was. I'm on a journey to get to who I was meant to be. I don't know that person yet.
The background to my phone shows the words stay alive. I know it probably can be unnerving to see someone unlock their phone to those words. To me this reminder means something deeper than what it seems. The bitterness still lingers in my life. Feeling completely numb to any emotion was the worst feeling I've ever had. It was easier for me to shut down and block everything out when I became overwhelmed, but this led to a worse place than I was before. I'm tempted all the time to shut down and block everything out. To me this leads to a form of death. I never want to be there again, unable to feel the sadness that I desperately need. I want to feel happiness, sadness, anger, and all the emotions that our bodies were meant to feel. I need my body to remember how. I continually remind myself to stay alive when I feel like shutting down. Sometimes this means calling or texting a friend. Sometimes it means doing something nice for someone. At times I'll be in the middle of a conversation with someone and out of nowhere I will feel an overwhelming need to isolate myself. I'll get extremely irritated if I can't isolate or shut down immediately. That's when I glance at my phone and repeat to myself, stay alive, stay alive, stay alive.
I know the new me is out there. I feel like I owe it to him to stay alive. I want to give him the best chance to thrive when I find him. As much as I want to be that person now, I've found that its a slower process than I would like. I'm still in the beginning stages of allowing my bitterness to turn back into pain. I can feel it coming. My goals right now are small but meaningful. I don't know how long it will take until I meet the new me, but I do know what he is going to want to do when he gets here. He's going to want to find those who may be struggling with similar circumstances. He will want to find those who are in those deep dark places. Those who are depressed, lonely, hurting. And those who are numb, overwhelmed and bitter. He is going to weep for you. He is going to want to be with you.
For now, I'm alive, struggling, learning, and searching.
I'm convinced that it is not tragedy that makes or break us, but instead the decisions we make in the midst of tragedy that do. I remember wandering aimlessly in the days following my mother's death, feeling like a small helpless child. I wasn't angry or bitter. I was confused. I had never seen the world like I did then. It felt like stepping out of a plane in a different country. I felt new and naive to my surroundings. As I literally wandered around like a lost boy one day I felt like a clear message was delivered to my mind and heart. Bitterness must turn back into pain to be healed. It didn't make sense as to why that felt so important. I wasn't bitter. In fact in that time I felt more empathetic and caring to people around me than I did before Mom died. I literally felt like I was the opposite of bitter. How could this message be helpful to me?
Over the next few months I continued to learn more about the grieving process while stumbling around trying to "grieve correctly." It wasn't long before circumstances began to dictate my decisions. I began to withdraw from the people that were trying to help me. I started choosing to be distracted rather than acknowledge the real issues forming in my life. Before I knew it, I had isolated myself. I had given a foothold to the lies I had tried so hard to disprove. I felt like I had no purpose, and that my life wasn't worth anything. For months I let the circumstances in my life make decisions for me. I felt like I had no say in which direction my life went. Eventually I became numb to the pain. I became less sympathetic to people. Walls went up around my heart like never before. I began to miss the sadness. I no longer cried for my mom. Thinking about her felt like reading a book; like I was reading someone else's story. I longed to cry for my mom. I wanted so bad to relate to other people's pain. I couldn't feel. I was bitter; miles away from that confused, wandering boy. How did I let myself get here? It all started with believing the most destructive lie of all: I can do this on my own.
I recently had a conversation with a close friend that brought me a fair amount of clarity in where I am at right now. I've been searching for someone or something to save me from the darkness that I've allowed in my life. I realized in conversation that I am at a crossroads where I've never been. I never knew this was even possible. I am currently in-between who I was and who I will be. Right now I am no one. It's like I don't exist, but I have the potential to exist. I'm a ghost with a second chance. It's not possible to go back to the person I used to be. The only possibility is to become the person I am going to be. Inevitably what I'm looking for is me. The new me. The healed me. The me with a purpose. The real me. I'm beginning to realize that while I grieve the loss of the loved ones that were closest to me, I'm also grieving the loss of who I was. I'm grieving the me that I used to be. The me that I will never see again. I'm not on a journey to get back to who I was. I'm on a journey to get to who I was meant to be. I don't know that person yet.
The background to my phone shows the words stay alive. I know it probably can be unnerving to see someone unlock their phone to those words. To me this reminder means something deeper than what it seems. The bitterness still lingers in my life. Feeling completely numb to any emotion was the worst feeling I've ever had. It was easier for me to shut down and block everything out when I became overwhelmed, but this led to a worse place than I was before. I'm tempted all the time to shut down and block everything out. To me this leads to a form of death. I never want to be there again, unable to feel the sadness that I desperately need. I want to feel happiness, sadness, anger, and all the emotions that our bodies were meant to feel. I need my body to remember how. I continually remind myself to stay alive when I feel like shutting down. Sometimes this means calling or texting a friend. Sometimes it means doing something nice for someone. At times I'll be in the middle of a conversation with someone and out of nowhere I will feel an overwhelming need to isolate myself. I'll get extremely irritated if I can't isolate or shut down immediately. That's when I glance at my phone and repeat to myself, stay alive, stay alive, stay alive.
I know the new me is out there. I feel like I owe it to him to stay alive. I want to give him the best chance to thrive when I find him. As much as I want to be that person now, I've found that its a slower process than I would like. I'm still in the beginning stages of allowing my bitterness to turn back into pain. I can feel it coming. My goals right now are small but meaningful. I don't know how long it will take until I meet the new me, but I do know what he is going to want to do when he gets here. He's going to want to find those who may be struggling with similar circumstances. He will want to find those who are in those deep dark places. Those who are depressed, lonely, hurting. And those who are numb, overwhelmed and bitter. He is going to weep for you. He is going to want to be with you.
For now, I'm alive, struggling, learning, and searching.
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