A chance to breathe again

I have felt melancholy again today. Life feels like it's going faster than ever, while I feel too slow to keep up. I heard a commercial on the radio the other day and immediately thought, " Mom says stuff like that all the time ." For a split second my mom was still alive. The thought wasn't " Mom used to say stuff like that ." I had to tell myself over again like I've done countless times that Mom isn't here anymore. I still have moments where I think " I can't wait to tell Mom this story " or " I need to get advice from Mom about this " BEFORE realizing she isn't here. It is so interesting to feel my brain re-realize the truth time and time again. Everything is still confusing. It isn't new that I've been thinking about my mom, but today I also thought about something that happened to me a few years ago during a missions trip to East Africa. Before I start telling you about what happened in Tanzania, let me tel

I have to admit that I've been faking as much as possible the last few weeks. I've almost convinced myself that I'm ok at times. I've tried to convince myself that it's not that bad. That this is just what happens in life. Tonight I just tried to fall asleep as fast as possible again, but it didn't work. Her face was all I could see. It was so real tonight. It was like she was looking at me. I then started having a panic attack at the thought of forgeting what she looks like. I know we have pictures, but there's no substitute for the way she looked when she was looking directly at me. Nothing comes close to representing how it was to be with her. I know there's grace, but I can't help but wish I could have been a better son to her. I just wish I would have taken her out to dinner more. Why did I think that my schedule and entertainment took precedence over her? I wish I would have surprised her more. I mean what was I thinking? I was so focused on